Things I Miss
Football I Care About:
Despite Villa being exclusively shit this season, I have missed being able to keep properly up-to-date on their proceedings, and indeed missed going to matches for a sing song. While I’ve been to three matches in the J-League these last two months – probably about the same amount as I would have in England – and the small crowds have produced good atmospheres, it’s just not the same as being able to vehemently bellow abuse at Emile Heskey as he wastes yet another attempt off goal.
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| Avispa Fukuoka v Tokyo Verdy |
Comedy:
I’m bubbly; I love having fun; I like a laugh. I enjoy nothing more than going to a good night of comedy, except maybe going to a particularly bad one. Japanese comedy on television just goes too fast for me to keep up with, so I’ve no idea if I would choose to laugh or not. Should I be laughing now? Would I be laughing now if I understood what they were saying? I much prefer to sit, listen to Richard Herring do a bad knob gag and laugh until the externally visible part of my urethra expands a tiny amount.
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| Fukuoka |
My Girlfriend:
Obviously. Ha!
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| Pornography Corner, Fukuoka |
London:
Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner…Well, I’m actually a Lutoner, but I do love living in London. I love being in Japan, but I love living in London, disgusting as it is. Even the really shit parts, like Mayfair and Hampstead, have their charms and there is always something to do, like pepper-spraying an acquaintance or kicking a dog to death.
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| Authentic London Pub, Ikebukuro |
My DVD Collection:
It’s deliciously varied and huge; in fact it’s the second most deliciously varied and huge thing I own (wahey!). Wanting to avoid the Thought Police, I can’t be arsed watching much television anymore, preferring to watch what I want, when I want to. Plus, you don’t get many Korean saucy comedies on network television these days, so I have to use my own methods. I am aware of my social status regarding this.
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| Nagasaki |
Fish & Chips:
Japanese food tends to come in small portions and is generally healthier, much healthier than food in Britain. This is a good thing. But, much like sticking pins into the eyes of wild monkeys, every now and then you want something that you know is bad, but momentarily makes you feel good. Heavily salted fish & chips, a fry-up, a huge block of cheese: these are things too unhealthy to readily find in Japan, and as such I pine for them.
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| Kamakura |
Being Settled:
Living out of a bag, having to repack every few days, constant different locations and situations…Sometimes, a little bit of boredom is a good thing.
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| Kyoto |
Things I Don’t Miss
The British:
The first thing I’ll probably see when I get off the plane at Heathrow is fat, ugly people…Then I got off the bus, err…
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| The Three Threads, Tokyo |
Working:
When I first left work in January, people kept asking what I was going to do with my time and stated that they’d probably get bored. Not once. Never. It’s awesome. That will be a major thump when it starts up again…whenever that may be.
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| Shinjuku |
Television:
It’s shit, isn’t it? Why do people waste money on digital subscriptions?! Give me YouTube and my natural gift for being better than you and I can be more than happy. Japanese television also is far too whacky for me in most parts, the stuff in hotels anyway. Much of it is like Saturday night variety shows, only on all day, and so I haven’t watched too much, apart from the odd bit of baseball (???) and some late night anime when it can be found, but I’ve rarely sat to actively watch something on the television.
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| Standard, Tokyo |
Being Drunk:
Travelling alone for most of the trip would mean drinking alone. Not exactly a great hobby to have. Apart from when in the company of others, I haven’t really been drinking much this trip. Maybe one or two while reading a book in an English novelty pub, but that’s about tops. And it’s been good. Fewer hangovers and wasted mornings have left me feeling fresher. Or is it that I’m not at work: The main source of inspiration for alcoholism.
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| Some pub, Naha |
Jeff Nimble:
Seeing as I’ve never met him, or indeed know exactly who he is, I can’t say that I miss him.
Things I Will Miss
Japanese Baths/Onsen:
Not just public onsen, but there is nothing better than staying at a ryokan or Japanese guesthouse and being allowed to have a shower and Japanese-style bath between the hours of 5:00 and 11:00. They’re awesome and I want to take one home with me.
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| Onsen in Beppu |
Japanese Adverts:
Not being able to fully understand television is frustrating and annoying and will result in shows quickly becoming boring to watch. But if they’re only 30 second long shows the lack of understanding actually becomes fun and you sit in wonder at what the Hell you have just watched. Combine this with the basic disregard for the laws of common sense that Japanese advertisers have and you’ve got TV gold. They should dedicate an entire Sky Digital channel to them…Not that I’d ever watch it.
Eating Healthily:
It’s good when you know that most of the options on a menu are probably going to be good for you, whatever they are. In London, it’s far too easy to fall into the trap of eating absolute shit out of ease, but here, even convenience foods just feel that bit more healthy. Western meals also seem to come in smaller portions than you would get back home, and so less harsh on the old blood pumper.
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| Ajinomoto Stadium, Tokyo |
Shibuya:
I just love Shibuya. It’s over-crowded, full of seedy places and is a bit dirtier than other parts of Tokyo, but I love nothing more than getting lost in the back streets, always finding somewhere new each time I go.
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| Shibuya |
Engrish:
There are mistakes that you couldn’t even think up if you spent eternity with England’s sharpest comedic minds. Only today in Matsushima I spotted a sign alerting to ‘Tunami Warnings. Either the ‘s’ had been missed, or there are a band of Geordies lurking round. Plus, I love staying in hotles. Can’t beat a good hotle for a good night’s sleep. This is made even more hilarious by the Nihonjin continually praising me for how ‘jōzu’ (look it up) my Nihongo is. I’m sure Engrish pales in comparison in reality.
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| Kawaguchiko |
Not Knowing What I’m Eating:
Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Even if I can read a Japanese menu, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I understand what each dish actually is. When it is served to me on a plate, like an open goal to Emile Heskey, I’m still none-the-wiser as to what I should be doing with what’s in front of me at times. And when that happens, my reaction has been just to get it down me and hope for the best. This state of not knowing can lead to marching head on into something in other areas of life. When I first went to an onsen, I was a tad apprehensive, thinking ‘I hope they don’t see and rate my penis’. But the second time I went to one, I thought it was the entrance to a neighbouring tourist attraction, so happily paid the entrance fee and barged in, finding a naked man before me (maybe he was it). Not knowing often leads to action – this is not always a good thing. But in areas such as food or being naked in public, it can be good.
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| Shinjuku |
Sleeping on Public Transport:
Often, I find myself on trains between London and Birmingham or tubes between Camden and Balham, and a little shuteye on these journeys might at times be useful. But, I just can’t sleep. Even on the long-haul flight to Japan, I couldn’t sleep. But something about being in Japan makes everyone a little sleepy. Get on a train or metro and you will see heads drop, even when people are standing. I have also been able to achieve this to some extent on journeys, finding myself waking at the necessary stop in time to wander off the train and through the crowds like a zombie seeking brains.
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| Kawaguchiko |
Spitting:
There’s nothing quite like seeing an old lady hock it up and spit it out for all the world to view. Excellent.
Public Toilet Noises:
There is no shame about having a poo in a public toilet here. People happily empty their bowels and don’t care what noises are made so that the world can be aware as to just what they are doing. This does, however, mean that many times when visiting a urinal, I can’t help but chuckle to myself. Not exactly part of the urinal code of ethics.
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| Beppu |
Things I Won’t Miss
Excessive Waste:
Here, everything comes inside a package, inside a package, inside a package. When opening your Russian doll chocolate, you can’t help but feel a little guilty for it – maybe that’s what the food Nazis (i.e. Jamie Oliver) want. Also, whenever going to a combini, depending on purchases, accompanying disposable chopsticks, spoons, straws and napkins are thrown in for good measure. A problem needing solving, I fear.
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| Yoyogi Park |
Train Confusion:
If going to Birmingham by Virgin Trains, you have to buy a more expensive Virgin Trains ticket. You can’t get on-board with a London Midland or Chiltern ticket. This is pretty much how trains work in Japan, just I find it much more confusing. You are shown a price for the train fare to a destination. But, if it’s a journey requiring a Shinkansen, you will also have to buy an express fare ticket on top. This means for long distance journeys you often have two prices given and the amount you pay is the two added together. This is something my pathetic mind is just getting round. In England, you get a single price and pay that, then worry about what train you can get on. In Japan, you need a calculator. I choose to get a bus.
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| Shinjuku Station |
Cyclists:
Cyclists here don’t care about you and ride on the pavement, if there is one. They will not stop and get off in crowded areas and will not slow down as they fly passed you. This combined with cars turning into you as you cross on a green man mean you have to be ever vigilant on the streets. Luckily, everyone here ‘drives real slow’, as I’ve learnt from various mildly racist US comedies.
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| Sendai |
Earthquakes:
Self-explanatory. Since being here, there was a small one when I was in Nikko and I believe one in when in Sendai, though that may have been the cleaner bashing her trolley into the wall. Either way, they were nothing on last year’s, but not something I want to get too used to.
Bad Rap in Shops:
About 90% of the time in Tokyo if you walk into a shop, café, pornographers you will have you ears insulted by what for me is a constantly painful reminder of how there have been few genuinely good hip hop albums made in the last decade. Horrible beats; loud, brash, unedited vocals bursting out incomprehensible gibberish about ‘cyeah cyeah cyeah cyeah’ or something. I hate it. I HATE IT! Put on some 1993 A Tribe Called Quest or something, please. While we’re on the subject…
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