Things I Miss

With it being two months since I jetted away from London Heathrow to Narita Airport, it’s probably been a long enough time to start missing some things about good ol’ Blighty. Though, to be honest, there are quite a few things I’m glad to be away from.


Things I Miss


Football I Care About:
Despite Villa being exclusively shit this season, I have missed being able to keep properly up-to-date on their proceedings, and indeed missed going to matches for a sing song. While I’ve been to three matches in the J-League these last two months – probably about the same amount as I would have in England – and the small crowds have produced good atmospheres, it’s just not the same as being able to vehemently bellow abuse at Emile Heskey as he wastes yet another attempt off goal.

Avispa Fukuoka v Tokyo Verdy

Comedy:
I’m bubbly; I love having fun; I like a laugh. I enjoy nothing more than going to a good night of comedy, except maybe going to a particularly bad one. Japanese comedy on television just goes too fast for me to keep up with, so I’ve no idea if I would choose to laugh or not. Should I be laughing now? Would I be laughing now if I understood what they were saying? I much prefer to sit, listen to Richard Herring do a bad knob gag and laugh until the externally visible part of my urethra expands a tiny amount.

Fukuoka

My Girlfriend:
Obviously. Ha!

Pornography Corner, Fukuoka

London:
Maybe it’s because I’m a Londoner…Well, I’m actually a Lutoner, but I do love living in London. I love being in Japan, but I love living in London, disgusting as it is. Even the really shit parts, like Mayfair and Hampstead, have their charms and there is always something to do, like pepper-spraying an acquaintance or kicking a dog to death.  

Authentic London Pub, Ikebukuro

My DVD Collection:
It’s deliciously varied and huge; in fact it’s the second most deliciously varied and huge thing I own (wahey!). Wanting to avoid the Thought Police, I can’t be arsed watching much television anymore, preferring to watch what I want, when I want to. Plus, you don’t get many Korean saucy comedies on network television these days, so I have to use my own methods. I am aware of my social status regarding this. 

Nagasaki

Fish & Chips:
Japanese food tends to come in small portions and is generally healthier, much healthier than food in Britain. This is a good thing. But, much like sticking pins into the eyes of wild monkeys, every now and then you want something that you know is bad, but momentarily makes you feel good. Heavily salted fish & chips, a fry-up, a huge block of cheese: these are things too unhealthy to readily find in Japan, and as such I pine for them. 

Kamakura

Being Settled:
Living out of a bag, having to repack every few days, constant different locations and situations…Sometimes, a little bit of boredom is a good thing. 

Kyoto

Things I Don’t Miss


The British:
The first thing I’ll probably see when I get off the plane at Heathrow is fat, ugly people…Then I got off the bus, err…

The Three Threads, Tokyo

Working:
When I first left work in January, people kept asking what I was going to do with my time and stated that they’d probably get bored. Not once. Never. It’s awesome. That will be a major thump when it starts up again…whenever that may be. 

Shinjuku

Television:
It’s shit, isn’t it? Why do people waste money on digital subscriptions?! Give me YouTube and my natural gift for being better than you and I can be more than happy. Japanese television also is far too whacky for me in most parts, the stuff in hotels anyway. Much of it is like Saturday night variety shows, only on all day, and so I haven’t watched too much, apart from the odd bit of baseball (???) and some late night anime when it can be found, but I’ve rarely sat to actively watch something on the television. 

Standard, Tokyo

Being Drunk:
Travelling alone for most of the trip would mean drinking alone. Not exactly a great hobby to have. Apart from when in the company of others, I haven’t really been drinking much this trip. Maybe one or two while reading a book in an English novelty pub, but that’s about tops. And it’s been good. Fewer hangovers and wasted mornings have left me feeling fresher. Or is it that I’m not at work: The main source of inspiration for alcoholism.

Some pub, Naha

Jeff Nimble:
Seeing as I’ve never met him, or indeed know exactly who he is, I can’t say that I miss him.


Things I Will Miss


Japanese Baths/Onsen:
Not just public onsen, but there is nothing better than staying at a ryokan or Japanese guesthouse and being allowed to have a shower and Japanese-style bath between the hours of 5:00 and 11:00. They’re awesome and I want to take one home with me. 

Onsen in Beppu

Japanese Adverts:
Not being able to fully understand television is frustrating and annoying and will result in shows quickly becoming boring to watch. But if they’re only 30 second long shows the lack of understanding actually becomes fun and you sit in wonder at what the Hell you have just watched. Combine this with the basic disregard for the laws of common sense that Japanese advertisers have and you’ve got TV gold. They should dedicate an entire Sky Digital channel to them…Not that I’d ever watch it.





Eating Healthily:
It’s good when you know that most of the options on a menu are probably going to be good for you, whatever they are. In London, it’s far too easy to fall into the trap of eating absolute shit out of ease, but here, even convenience foods just feel that bit more healthy. Western meals also seem to come in smaller portions than you would get back home, and so less harsh on the old blood pumper. 

Ajinomoto Stadium, Tokyo

Shibuya:
I just love Shibuya. It’s over-crowded, full of seedy places and is a bit dirtier than other parts of Tokyo, but I love nothing more than getting lost in the back streets, always finding somewhere new each time I go. 

Shibuya

Engrish:
There are mistakes that you couldn’t even think up if you spent eternity with England’s sharpest comedic minds. Only today in Matsushima I spotted a sign alerting to ‘Tunami Warnings. Either the ‘s’ had been missed, or there are a band of Geordies lurking round. Plus, I love staying in hotles. Can’t beat a good hotle for a good night’s sleep. This is made even more hilarious by the Nihonjin continually praising me for how ‘jōzu’ (look it up) my Nihongo is. I’m sure Engrish pales in comparison in reality. 

Kawaguchiko

Not Knowing What I’m Eating:
Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Even if I can read a Japanese menu, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I understand what each dish actually is. When it is served to me on a plate, like an open goal to Emile Heskey, I’m still none-the-wiser as to what I should be doing with what’s in front of me at times. And when that happens, my reaction has been just to get it down me and hope for the best. This state of not knowing can lead to marching head on into something in other areas of life. When I first went to an onsen, I was a tad apprehensive, thinking ‘I hope they don’t see and rate my penis’. But the second time I went to one, I thought it was the entrance to a neighbouring tourist attraction, so happily paid the entrance fee and barged in, finding a naked man before me (maybe he was it). Not knowing often leads to action – this is not always a good thing. But in areas such as food or being naked in public, it can be good. 

Shinjuku

Sleeping on Public Transport:
Often, I find myself on trains between London and Birmingham or tubes between Camden and Balham, and a little shuteye on these journeys might at times be useful. But, I just can’t sleep. Even on the long-haul flight to Japan, I couldn’t sleep. But something about being in Japan makes everyone a little sleepy. Get on a train or metro and you will see heads drop, even when people are standing.  I have also been able to achieve this to some extent on journeys, finding myself waking at the necessary stop in time to wander off the train and through the crowds like a zombie seeking brains. 

Kawaguchiko

Spitting:
There’s nothing quite like seeing an old lady hock it up and spit it out for all the world to view. Excellent.


Public Toilet Noises:
There is no shame about having a poo in a public toilet here. People happily empty their bowels and don’t care what noises are made so that the world can be aware as to just what they are doing. This does, however, mean that many times when visiting a urinal, I can’t help but chuckle to myself. Not exactly part of the urinal code of ethics. 

Beppu

Things I Won’t Miss


Excessive Waste:
Here, everything comes inside a package, inside a package, inside a package. When opening your Russian doll chocolate, you can’t help but feel a little guilty for it – maybe that’s what the food Nazis (i.e. Jamie Oliver) want. Also, whenever going to a combini, depending on purchases, accompanying disposable chopsticks, spoons, straws and napkins are thrown in for good measure. A problem needing solving, I fear.

Yoyogi Park

Train Confusion:
If going to Birmingham by Virgin Trains, you have to buy a more expensive Virgin Trains ticket. You can’t get on-board with a London Midland or Chiltern ticket. This is pretty much how trains work in Japan, just I find it much more confusing. You are shown a price for the train fare to a destination. But, if it’s a journey requiring a Shinkansen, you will also have to buy an express fare ticket on top. This means for long distance journeys you often have two prices given and the amount you pay is the two added together. This is something my pathetic mind is just getting round. In England, you get a single price and pay that, then worry about what train you can get on. In Japan, you need a calculator. I choose to get a bus.  

Shinjuku Station

Cyclists:
Cyclists here don’t care about you and ride on the pavement, if there is one. They will not stop and get off in crowded areas and will not slow down as they fly passed you. This combined with cars turning into you as you cross on a green man mean you have to be ever vigilant on the streets. Luckily, everyone here ‘drives real slow’, as I’ve learnt from various mildly racist US comedies. 

Sendai

Earthquakes:
Self-explanatory. Since being here, there was a small one when I was in Nikko and I believe one in when in Sendai, though that may have been the cleaner bashing her trolley into the wall. Either way, they were nothing on last year’s, but not something I want to get too used to. 


Bad Rap in Shops:
About 90% of the time in Tokyo if you walk into a shop, café, pornographers you will have you ears insulted by what for me is a constantly painful reminder of how there have been few genuinely good hip hop albums made in the last decade. Horrible beats; loud, brash, unedited vocals bursting out incomprehensible gibberish about ‘cyeah cyeah cyeah cyeah’ or something. I hate it. I HATE IT! Put on some 1993 A Tribe Called Quest or something, please. While we’re on the subject…

Every 14 Days...(10)

My Name is Daphne Fairfax: A Memoir (Arthur Smith)

To me, Arthur Smith was a moaning old bastard that always seems to be reading an audio book whenever I’m in the car with my dad. More and more, I would see him on telly – and not just repeats of the Red Dwarf ‘Backwards’ episode, and eventually live at various Radio 4 recordings, as I myself became a moaning old bastard.

But I must admit I only really know the moaning old bastard Arthur Smith of the last decade; I know little of his time before he became either old, moaning and/or a bastard, and so for once, I actually read an autobiography that had featured some things I didn’t expect. For one, he’s not even called Arthur; he’s Brian to his friends – Arthur being his middle name – and his life has been one much more sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll than I had anticipated.

This isn’t the most revealing or creative memoir ever, but it doesn’t need to be, being well written and painting an interesting picture of stand-up from the 80s onwards, as well as life in South London over the latter half of the 20^th Century.

Days to read: 14

Days per book: 14.5

Burmese Days (George Orwell)

I remember having to read ‘Animal Farm’ in English Literature at school when I was about 13 and thought: ‘He’s done quite well there.’ Probably about 13 years later, I read that other famous book that he wrote and was of a similar opinion that he deserved a good ol’ fashioned slap on the back for it. I decided to wait a little less time before reading another of his novels, his first: ‘Burmese Days’.

Based on his time spent as a policeman in Burma it’s a tale of colonial life for Brits abroad in their new habitat with the ‘inferior’ natives. So controversial was it in raising issues regarding colonial rule, it wasn’t published in the UK for quite some time, and only then in a version less likely to raise stiff, upper eyebrows as to the attitudes and behaviour of the British out in the Empire and the forgotten nature of their existence back home.

Spend a good amount of time over a two day period reading this and you will start to think in early 20th Century Orwellian language, such is the descriptive nature of the language here. It is another work by him with brilliant social comment and paints a picture of a bleak society that goes unspoken. He really was good, wasn’t he? Here, have another slap on the back, my learned friend.

Days to read: 11

Days per book: 14.4

The Hell of it All (Charlie Brooker)

The third book of his articles about television and stuff in general taken from the Guardian, and is much more of the same. Though, sometimes I do think he should have edited out some of the specific ‘Big Brother’, ‘Apprentice’ and ‘X factor’ articles, as: a) I did/do not watch any; and b) most people will forget the contestants in these shows the week after they finish, let alone recall them two or three years down the line, making many articles, while funny, quite irrelevant.

Days to read: 13

Days per book: 14.3

So, that’s it. With my travelling in Japan for three months, I took seven (count them) books with me to get me through my time in Asia, starting with ‘Dawn of the Dumb’. I have now completed them all with best part of a month still to go, leaving me blank for a while. Oh no wait, my girlfriend’s arrived in Japan to bring me some more…

Politic 16

I and I Survive - Bad Brains
Another Demo Tape - Quasimoto
Calling - Anchorsong
Plum Rain - Anchorsong
The Dawn of Time - Kowloon
Kagami (Super electronic dub mix) - Daikei
SEVEN - DJ Kentaro
Geto Heaven, Pt. 2 - Common and D'Angelo
Last Good Sleep - Company Flow
Ha-Doh - DJ Krush and Toshinori Kondo
New Bodies - Anchorsong
Dark Rum - Anchorsong
T.O.J. - El-P
Trust Me - Guru and N'Dea Davenport
Get Together (Mix) (Instrumental) - Beastie Boys
Get it Together - Beastie Boys and Q-Tip
Multilateral Nuclear Disarmament - Beastie Boys
Hold it Now, Hit it - Beastie Boys 

Another Two Weeks in Tokyo

So, I was back in Tokyo again, and again I was not alone. Well, I was for the first night, arriving from Kobe and checking-in at the hotel a day before my significant other (the missus, ‘er indoors, etc.) to account for her early arrival the next morning. Awww, eating tempura in Shinjuku like a true bachelor.

This stay in Tokyo came in two part: 1) in Yotsuya at the Mitsui Garden Hotel; and 2) in Ikebukuro at the Metropolitan. The two parts were broken up by the three day trip to Kawaguchiko, where merriment was had, and was largely some good ol’ sightseeing for the Tokyo virgin.

Part 1 started with lots of rain, and continued much in that vein throughout. The Shinjuku Metropolitan Government Building view deck kicked things off, though little could be seen, so we resorted to drunkenly watching an FC Tokyo game in Shibuya in the Asian Champions’ League: where the J-League team always wins. The rain kept up the next day, but that didn’t stop us donning our umbrellas (well, the hotel’s) and seeing the north east trilogy of Ueno, Asakusa and Akihabara through rain drops. We decided to walk the whole way, which seems stupid in hindsight, but there you go: Another victory for Captain Hindsight.

Uenokoen

Sky Tree

Asakusa

The rain let off to allow enough time to go to the Imperial Palace and Ginza, but it soon started again, so we withdrew before an attempted night out in Roppongi – a place I’m not too fussed about really. We settled for some food, but returned to Yotsuya to frequent two genuine English pubs, one of which (The Rising Sun) claims to be the oldest English pub in Tokyo – true facts! The sun stayed for the next two days, with a long walk around Shinagawa and across the Rainbow Bridge across Tokyo Bay followed by the usual Sunday in Yoyogi Park, Harajuku and Shibuya following ending in some further football watching at my new favourite pub, The Aldgate, where it seems the American barman is a genuine, authentic Man City fan. Who’d have thought?

Imperial Palace

Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building

Shinagawa

Rainbow Bridge

Tokyo Bay

Odaiba

It was then the Kawaguchiko was visited, initially with slight hangovers, for three days peace and quiet, before the second part of the Tokyo tour, with some slightly more adventurous locations.

With many of the main tourist attractions ticked off in Part 1, we started Part 2 with one of the main tourist attractions: Tokyo Tower at night, though we were a little more interesting the next day, heading west to the suburb of Kichijoji, a nice little place for shopping, eating and generally hanging round dressed like a clown as well as finding the Ghibli Museum, but not going in it (not sure if I need to see a model of something from a cartoon that badly) as the complicated ticket buying system seemed unnecessary. Not that it was complicated really, I was just feeling lazy. It was on the train back that I discovered the new dance craze among chubby Japanese schoolboys that everyone is talking about. Yes, the ‘Chubby Japanese schoolboy falling asleep while standing up on a train’ dance is going to be all over the globe soon. It’s not to be confused with the ‘Chubby Japanese schoolboy falling asleep while standing up on an escalator’ dance or the ‘Chubby Japanese schoolboy sleepwalking through Shinjuku train station’ dance. The evening was then spent drinking in Shibuya once again, this time in the company of an American I met during the earthquake last year to celebrate his 21^st birthday with his Finnish cousin. Then, a crippling last train home.

View from Tokyo Tower

Kichijoji

Last train home, Shibuya Station

We then did a round trip I did on my first visit to Japan, heading off to the old capital of Kamakura to shrine watch and beach sit before heading back to Tokyo via Yokohama port area and Chinatown. The weather wasn’t great in the morning, so the beach action left a little to be desired, but it was a good day spent in the nice old city allowing us to get our walk on. It grew darker and colder as we arrived in Yokohama, and as I grew increasingly lost, but eventually found the way to Yokohama Bay and Chinatown, but it was too cold and dark to stick around too long. Plus, we needed to get back in time to watch Richard Gere and Hennifer Hlopez in the remake of Japanese smash ‘Shall we Dance’. If only all films could be that good!

Kamakura

Kamakura

Kamakura

Yokohama

Yokohama

Having someone watch them with me killed my two-match winning streak as a Tokyo Verdy fan as they lost 1-0 in poor style to the beautifully-named Okayama Fagiano before locating a pub appropriately named ‘Camden Town’ in Ikebukuro which is shrewd enough to feature that classic Camden staple: the Rubik’s Cube. Then how about some real football? Last day of the season had to be watched. ‘Man City have fucked it! They have well and truly fucke…OOOOOOOOOowwwwaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAArrrggggggghhhhhhhh! That was liquid football.’ At least Villa just survived, thanks to Baggies equalising against Bolton the week before. Thanks Baggies. Didn’t see the news the next day coming at all; where will Sir Alex go now?

Tokyo Verdy v Okayama Fagiano

Tokyo Verdy v Okayama Fagiano

It was then time to be left on my own again by ‘the wife’ and take up a new hobby of plane-spotting and hit a shopping spree while staying in the urban ryokan, Ryokan Kamogawa. I took up some new trainers, an interest in anime ‘Tokyo Tribe 2’ and, since the sad news regarding Adam Yauch, took liberty in updating my Beastie Boys back catalogue (essentially their instrumental albums). I also went to see the poor 'Sadako 3D' for kicks.

Asakusa

Shibuya

It was a good two weeks and felt a lot more settled and like being back in London after all the constant unpacking and packing and changing of location. But it’s moving on up from here, literally, as I venture to Nikko en route to Hokkaido. 

Sadako 3D

Wow, we have a new format. Quick, let’s exploit it by remaking/rereleasing an old film in said new format and millions will be made.

Now, ‘Ringu’ is a film that actually might work with the 3D format…except that it isn’t. ‘Ringu’ is largely a suspense film, as a reporter seeks to unravel the mystery behind the deaths of some local students. The film is very darkly shot and uses slow, moody shots, before one final moment at the end that would be made that bit more special in 3D. Therefore, to justify making a film based on Koji Suzuki’s original novel ‘Ring’ and ripping-off Hideo Nakata’s film adaptation in 3D format, there needs to be a lot more thrown in to make it seem worthwhile.

ShiBOOya

With this the case, the suspense, intrigue and fear created by ‘Ringu’ is thrown out the window for endless moments designed simply to make you jump by adding unnecessary bangs and people walking up behind someone to make their pulse race. It’s the 21^st Century, so video is thrown out for viral content on the Internet and the cast all seem younger and more attractive (sorry Yurei Yanagi, you look like a monkey), and as such are much worse actors.

Being in Nihon-go, I couldn’t fully understand the plot, not that that was particularly necessary. People try to watch a video online, if they succeed they die soon after. Simple.  The ending, however, becomes farcical, again trying to justify the 3D format further and is neither scary nor good. The best part of the film is the end credits, for more than one reason.

With two trailers before it for the new ‘MIB 3’ (do we need this?!) and the new ‘Amazing Spiderman’ – a character necessary to remake with a new lead actor as there have only been at least three Spiderman films made in the last decade – it seems that films are merely going to be lazy remakes of old stories in a new format, displaying a lack of creativity or substance, from here on in. So, just like the cinema of the last ten years then…

A Room with a View: Kawaguchiko

After a night alone in Yotsuya, my significant other joined me for two weeks in-and-around Tokyo.  Breaking up the stays in the aforementioned and Ikebukuro, we spent three nights in the Fuji Highlands, more specifically Kawaguchiko.

Kawaguchiko

Our lodgings, the Mizuno Hotel, sat over Lake Kawaguchi and with that offered a rather nice view of Fuji-san…well, for the first day we were there anyway. This allowed the opportunity for much sitting on a tatami mat in the Japanese-style room, drinking green tea smugly while looking at Japan’s most famous mountain.

Fuji-san at 5AM

Mizuno Hotel

The city of Kawaguchiko is a random one. Going there outside of the two-month Mt Fuji climbing peak season meant that many of the facilities were closed, and those that were open closed soon after lunch. This left circumnavigating the lake as one of the few activities available while there; a walk that was longer than initially anticipated with further randomness along the way: There was a European musical wonderland for the middle-aged and middle class; small villages with little happening except the construction of new houses; endless fishermen; and a depressing stream of defunct tourist spots and hotels.

Lake Kawaguchi

Lake Kawaguchi

Lake Kawaguchi almost seems like a tourist spot forgotten. Boats, hotels, pedalos and swimming pools have been left abandoned both in and out of the lake. Combined with the closed nature of many surviving establishments, it feels very much like a ghost town in parts, with people seemingly preferring resort-style locations, such as the Fuji-Q Highland Amusement Park nearby.

Lake Kawaguchi

This meant a lot of time was left to spend in the hotel, sitting watching the view of Fuji-san, which is what it’s there for, except climbing, of course. Now, the Mizuno Hotel is by far one of the most random I have ever stayed at. To start, it has a large and spacious reading room by the reception: an excellent feature in any hotel. But surrounding the reading room, and indeed the entire hotel, is some of the most unusual artwork I have ever seen. Sitting in the bar here was a popular activity. As well as the reading room, there is a music studio (?), rooftop Jacuzzi, health club, but best of all a free onsen of its very own. The food was expensive, but the endless courses made it worth it for a treat. Plus, it’s not every hotel where the owners offer to take you out for lunch.

Mizuno Hotel

The weather petered out after the first day: largely cloudy, leaving Fuji-san difficult to fully enjoy. This is probably a place for a short stay at most, only staying longer if you actually plan on climbing the mountain in the months of July and August. Either that or a place to lie-low for a few weeks…much like Mr Happy Days here… 

Phil Tufnell celebrating his successful plastic surgery

Hanging in Hanshin

After Kyushu, my original plan had been to make a quick stop on Japan’s fourth main island, Shikoku. Logistically, however, I may as well have flown back to London for a couple of nights. This is, of course, hyperbole of the grandest scale. But, a quick stop on the island that probably has the least to offer of the four in a limited time period seemed a little pointless, particularly as another break was probably due. I, therefore, decided against literally ferrying myself around to Shikoku in favour of an easier stop off in the Hanshin region of Kobe and Osaka for a few days to recoup en route back to Tokyo.

Kobe

This was my first time in Kobe, and what can I say: a bit more of a dump than I was expecting. Though I wasn’t expecting much. My knowledge of Kobe up to that point was the Hanshin earthquake, apparently there is some famous beef here and most of the Japanese women’s football team seem to play for Inac Kobe. Three probable causes of a place being a bit of a dump: natural disasters, excessive meat consumption and football.

Home's Stadium, Kobe

To start, my hotel wasn’t exactly up to much, which was a shame as most of my plans for the three days there involved staying in my room horizontally. I’d accidentally failed to specify non-smoking on my room, and so it both stank and was dirty. This forced me out of the hotel, but most of what I found in the vicinity wasn’t up to much and there seemed to be a healthy collection of unhealthy drunks about.

Kobe

Kobe

But it wasn’t all bad. Further walking saw me locate the port area which is pretty lively come the evening and even offers a Snoopy shop to satisfy all those without nut allergies. There was also the random area of Kitano where British, French, German and Swiss-themed establishments seemed to compete for popularity. I have no idea what was in any of them, but they all seemed to think they were European. Indeed, foreign influence seems greater in Kobe, with local cuisine based around meat and Western-themed venues. This is probably a better place for a Westerner to live than visit as a tourist.

Kobe

Kobe

So far, along with Tokyo and Kamakura, Osaka is one of the few places I have ended up on each of my visits to the floating world. Having been there, done that before, my sole purpose for going to Hanshin’s better half was to continue my pointless mission to visit all ten of Japan’s World Cup venues ten years too late, continuing from Oita and Kobe itself. Being that it is only the distance of a slightly forced piss away, I thought it none-too-much trouble. Like Yoyogi Park on a Sunday, kids aren’t too afraid to display their (lack of) talent around Nagaikoen, with stop-start saxophoning accompanying endless badly-choreographed dance routines as the young dance around three Russian doll-style football stadiums sat side-by-side.

Nagai Stadium, Osaka

Kincho Stadium, Osaka

But largely, my time in two of Japan’s bigger cities was spent doing very little except going for the odd run and farting pleasantries.